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I am ...

I am ...

a drug induced coma
a ticking time bomb with
the wrong size batteries
and two second hands

I am ...
the epitomy of the pointless
the pinnacle of the nobody

I am ...
the non existent spark that exist
in and unhappy couples kiss
the robot that learned to love
and then simply malfunctioned

I am ...
merely 3 words whispered
out of context
in context
as a lie
as the most profound and beautiful truth

I merely am

Writer's Block: AKA

AKA
What's the story behind your username?
well mine is my own little sayinlive everday like its the first and last hello the first time youll experience something and the last time truly appreciate beauty when it presents itself  my name is only the last hello because the things i write about are generally only about my last hellos

sunshine update

so yesterday we went and seen coraline Tam Amanda and Myself I loved it so did Amanda I tried to hold her hand during the movie and was rejected i felt so stupid but i know thats gonna happen i stole the balloon from the cookie place that says you make me smile because Amanda does make me smile and i bought her the new hello kitty stickers she was really happy and that made it a great night for me at the end of the night i asked her out again and she paused for a moment as if for a second she was gonna say yes and she didnt get mad like she had before i think she really does want to take me back and try again but i also think shes still scared and i can understand that so im still here just waiting shes just so amazing i love her at the door i tried to give her a quick kiss but yeah she shut the door and i hit myself in the head what was i thinking? I guess i wasnt she takes all my rationality away and replaces it with sheer elation well yeah thats my update of my overwhelming days of rejection  i hope they dont last much longer but I can be patient I love her

Blue eyes continued


Scratch that attempted moving on its all a lie
nobody talks to me because im too damn busy
its pretty pathetic
so Valentines day was absolutely amazing
i woke up tired as hell went to work tired as hell
things went a little sour when I Brandon told me that spoony had told him
that Amanda had been by his house
I hate how she still talks to him
but sadly there is nothing i can do about it
so i bite my tongue
Amanda came to the mall early
we went over to claires and we gotta bunch of little things
then we looked at shoes and played DDR
I asked her for a kiss
We kissed
i want to rewind back to that moment i want to over react i want to pull her close
because honestly right now im dying
that kiss still lingers on my lips
like a poison though and the only antidote is another kiss from her
it hurts to be close to her again
if only for a second to be ripped away
a second later
I feel miserable at heart
i feel broken again
i sort of wish i wouldnt have asked for that kiss
because i just reopened eevry wound inflicted on myself when we split up
I love you Amanda
and damn it
it kills me to not ne able to say that to your face
its not right
to tell someone you love them
shouldnt make them distance themselves
it should bring you closer to them

I hate my heart

blue eyed zombie robot sunshine

what am i supposed to do?
she doesnt get just how much
she really means to me !!!!
shes not part pf some stupid game
shes not just some girl
she is so amazing 
everything about her makes me smile
and i would do anything
she asked me to move on so i figured if i at least made the attempt to make it look like i was moving on she might not get so mad at me
i even told the one person im talking to that i cant be nothing more than a friend
because of my feelings for Amanda
and its not like i talk to kaylaa all the time or even hang out with her
as a matter of fact i dont even really talk to her at all
Amanda is like the ONLY girl for me
seriously i know it sounds horrible but when shes not around i talk about her and how amazing she is or pondered how i might have screwed up
when Amanda feels bad or shes tired or something upsets her it feels like my whole life is worthless because im not able to make things better for her and when she is happy well im pretty sure you could power this entire galaxy off of my sheer inner joy she makes my every waking moment so much more i dont know how things are gonna work out between us relationship wise and right now i can ignore that im just so scared that with eveythings thats going on that shes just gonna stop being my friend i live for those moments when she answers the phone with this happy voice and this upbeat hi and shes just oh so silly when we get off the phone she says silly things and she makes me feel silly and its just so wonderful because its really hard for me to feel remotely happy i love getting that good morning text and the meow text and i basically live for every moment i get to share with her a friend of mine says shes prideful and doesnt want to admit shes jealous that she doesnt want to admit it because shes scared and i can understand that but it drives me crazy because i KNOW without a doubt that if i had her back  it wouldnt have tio be like that  i just want to make her happy ...

Writer's Block: Conchordance

Who is cuter: Bret or Jemaine?
it is most definitely Bret Im not gay for saying this Im simply a man diggin another man

Friends Dont Hurt

Like a Band aid on my chest over my heart
holding shut the gaping wound
if I rip it off now surely I will bleed out
but if I slowly remove it I might have time to heal
let me keep this band aid
let me keep this adhesive
let me keep some form of happiness

Earth, Sky , good morning , good night

as the bird sings the morning song
and the cricket applauds the nightsky 
I fall deeper and deeper into madness

only one time will it take for myself to disappear
only one time to erase everything that wasnt clear

as the chick hatches breaking from its shell
and the lone caterpillar enters its cacoon
I fall deeper and deeper into madness

only one time will it take for myself to disappear
only one time to erase everything that wasnt clear

as the lonely boy falls for the blue eyed girl
and the blue eyed girls comes to forgive
I find a foothold and depart from my madness

only one time will it take for love to appear
only one time to make everything clear

the future freaks me out

closing my eyes
if only to rest
im the sharpened pencil
ready for the test

but of course ill dull down
youll lose your grip
my biggest fear when i look around
is that weve begun to slip

how am i ever to say sorry
and actually show you just how much i mean it

how am i ever to prove myself
you are so much more

words dont speak like actions
but im a position where i dont know how to act
to match my words
its down right absurd
is love a verb?

how you let go

first you find me climbing ever so high
your hand takes mine as you pull me up
then your hand releases and you push me away
oh how I fall away from you
never finding solace
never finding self
 
time passes and i fashion makeshift wings how i fly so high
gliding to the point you once pushed me from
your lips press against mine as I land beside you
then you push me away rippiing my wings from my back
oh how i fall away from you
never finding compassion
never finding self

soon I sit still so lonely
I am now a rock passerbys take no notice
as my depression grows so do I
I am a mountain my peaks ascend oh so high
I am now the ledge you stand on

you take the pebbles so many like my turmoil
and you toss them into the waters below
you are not throwing away my turmoils
only planting seeds in the lake that is darkness

my turmoils fashioned by you
now grow deep in the darkness

you are so beautiful
And I am nothing anymore
pebbles on the bottom of the lake